What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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