I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Randomize
