I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
