I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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