If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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