doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My feet surprised me
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
