my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
