Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
