I'm so fucking centered right now
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I deserve this hangover.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
