Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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