Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
