omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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