walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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