Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My life is pants optional.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
