I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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