this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
