you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
