I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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