im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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