things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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