Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
