You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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