I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
