this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize