I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
