i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
