the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
