it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
