I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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