I seem to have left my pride at pride
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
