Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
