i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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