Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
