Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
