Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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