I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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