i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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