Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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