i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
