Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
