I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
