i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
