the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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