I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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