Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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