How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
