A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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