Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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