started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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