when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
