3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
